desperate land

Back again!

2011-09-16T00:02:00.002-04:00

Well?

Things are up and down. But not dramatically so.

I'm doing well, on balance, and as I embark on new challenges I assimilate both the positive and the negative. But I seek out that which will uplift me, and bring me encoragement. I reject that which is negative and drags me down.

All Good Things. I'll write again soon when I feel more like talking.

But not now.

:)

Rants and Raves

2011-07-09T07:28:00.001-04:00

Just a little stream of consciousness rambling… Please?

Don’t mind me.

I am so frikken excited I can barely contain myself. I mean, I have enthusiasm for the first time in a long, long while. Everything seems to be coming together in ways I could have only dreamt about before, but now? Now I’m actually started on some really, really good stuff for the next few months. I’m excited about getting the GED, I’m excited about my application to U of T, I’m excited to be working, I’m excited for a whole lot of things.

I walk around an hour a day, two to three days a week. The exercise can’t hurt.

My medication regime has left me “chemically castrated.” The spirit, as it were, is indeed willing, but the flesh? Pretty much non-responsive. I have to pent up a LOT of sexual frustration and energy to even contemplate having sex, never mind making sexy hand pleasure party. It really, really sucks. But what I’ve gained? Getting back on the meds was perhaps one of the best choices I could have made for my life right now. I’m feeling so very much better, I can cope with day-to-day without extreme anxiety slash phobia, and I’m just more positive about life.

Fatboy and his bummy caused me way too much stress. I realise that now, and I feel bad the way I handled it but fuck them I couldn’t take any more of the kid drama. If that fucking borderline retard 20 year old going on 14 wants to take on a barely 16 year old kid (4 years his senior? Fuck, that’s borderline goofism) and make this wonderful life, let him go right ahead. He’s only using her for her money to get the place, and then he’ll move his mother in so she can pay HIS rent and Shianna and his Mum can take care of the rent and all the bills and Kyle will pass the savings directly on to Kyle. Kid’s got it all planned out. He’s this sociopath, but without the typical killer IQ. I mean, he’s got cunning, but I wouldn’t call it brains. At any rate, this amuses me more than anything else. For my own peace of mind, I had to know once and for all where I stood with Fatboy, and now that I know I’m worthless in his eyes I can learn to let go of how much I invested in tryna help him get where he needed to go.

Shianna is deluding herself: she sat idly by and watched what Fatboy did to me, and she thinks she’s immune? He’ll do the exact same thing to her. He’s already physically abused her, throwing her on the couch and at one point he hurled her onto the floor. He buffets her, physically pushes her around… She’s 16, a highschool dropout and she thinks she’s got it all figured out. When it comes crashing down, and with Fatboy that is a certainty just as the sun rises and sets, and she’ll probably have outmaneuvered him anyway to the point where they’ll both just dip on each other. Fatboy aligns himself with weak people he can bully and manipulate, and I see this situation getting so out of control that in the end he’ll end up right back where he started.

I’m glad I’m out.

Too much happening this week. I’ve got my first Focus Group to attend to this week, I’ve got to pick up some GED study resource guides and I’m going to try and get back on the weekday schedule. I’m also waiting to see if I can “cash in” on a financial windfall which, if I’m successful, will allow me to completely makeover the livingroom.

We shall see.

Anyways, Dearest and Only Reader, All Good Things!

Just here to write…

2011-07-06T06:21:00.001-04:00

I’m so very excited.

LOTS of good stuff on the horizon, and a BIG windfall if I played this hand right. Pappy needs a new everything.

Before, stress and anxiety immobilised me, and dark and sinister thoughts raced through my head.

Now?

Well, my antidepressant medication has wrought a miracle. I feel an hundred times better than I’ve felt in weeks. And with Shyanna and Fatboy safely in their own apartment, I can concentrate on doing me again. It was a very, very tedious process to deconstruct them. But? The symphony played out pretty much according to the score I had written. And they played their parts with predictable alacrity and flair.

They’re out of here, and I’m so glad.

Well, I’ll leave it here for now, but I will write more when info becomes available. I’m thinkin’ a sectional, new dining room chairs, a large LCD T.V… I just can’t decide at the moment.

But I will.

All Good Things.

The game plan

2011-07-02T07:32:00.001-04:00

Well?

In a nutshell, I helped my beloved friend to die over the course of a couple of years with his terminal illness.

I lost my Grandmother, the truest friend I’ve ever known, three days apart from his death.

Grief had overwhelmed me.

I surrounded myself with rotten, heartless kids who never gave a fuck about me. And taking a journey with one of them, with an hundred chances to do better, just left me hurt, bitter and resentful. I suppose I felt at the time, that my life was irrevocably broken, but I could try and help him fix his.

He fixed his life alright. And crushed every bone in my body as he stomped all over my self-esteem, my financial resources and my ability to cope.

But I survived it. Next comes the good stuff.

Goals? The month of July is dedicated to working. Working my ass off. Working for a clean house. Working to get rid of the hoarded stuff in the closets. Working to make money. Working to quit smoking, start a regular at-home workout on the piston rowing machine that I salvaged from the dumpster that’s in PRISTINE condition. Working to make money. And working on positioning myself to have a better part of the summer.

This is the game plan.

Emotionally?

Well, I don’t know how I feel. I mean, the first time I get burned shame on you, the second time shame on me, and the third, forth, fifth, sixth? No fucking sympathy, and a glutton for self-esteem crushing punishment. I let a barely 16 year old kid who constantly plies this manipulation and social engineering slash histrionic tactic to fuck with people’s heads move in and totally upset the life we had here. But? She did get Fatboy out of my life. I can’t begin to describe how Fatboy’s last and final betrayal has given me the freedom of conscious I needed to just write him off without ever looking back. I mean, kid betrayed me. He knew what he was doing, and the fact I orchestrated this is not something I’m ashamed of. HE had to show me that he wasn’t a true friend, so I had to PUSH to get the truth from him. He always goes on about how we fight, but what he neglects to mention is that the only time his true feelings ever come out is when he is drunk and angry. Love? Affection? They are as hollow as his words are when he feels those emotions, if his sociopathic mind can feel any genuine sweeter emotions at all. I suspect hatred, anger, food and sex are his main drives, and he experiences very little else in the way of pleasure. And oh, how he went on his rounds to validate himself with the old “Poor Fatboy” sympathy train! He’s constantly pulling this totally fake “look how bad I’ve got it” show, and he’s got more than a couple of places to go to with willing audiences who’re buying into it lock, stock and barrel. I mean, I’ve bought into that whole played-out routine myself.

Nothing emotional from Kyle is, or has ever been, real.

What’s missing is the fun, the excitement of what the sociopath would do next. THAT alone was almost worth having him here. But, like I said, I basically laid a trap for him and it blew up in my face. I managed to get rid of him in a way that my conscience is clear (he chose to dip, not me) and our friendship, if it ever even existed to begin with, is over.

He’s worried, no doubt, that I’m going to be fucking with him, but I won’t. I gave him my word and as angry as I am at his lies and deceitful conduct I have to keep my promise and just let him get on with whatever he’s getting on with. He secured a position as a bus boy at a restaurant chain. I’m happy for him. I hope he does well and remains a rather dark and hazy memory.

So? Cheers to July, dearest and only reader. Let’s hope it’s what I need to get things really rocking. I’m killing it as it is, but I want to add the exercise routine, walk to Mum’s every day and the Doctor’s bi-weekly (yes, I’m back on medication to treat my bi-polar and it’s working wonders and I’m feeling so much better without suffering such severe and debilitating “dark thoughts” and anxiety that was killing meeee…) and just work at getting the house in tip-top shape again.

All Good Things.

Just something random…

2011-06-30T03:42:00.001-04:00

It’s great to just let a stream-of-consciousness rant tumble out through your fingers…

So? Fatboy dipped. I think this is positively the LAST time we’re doing this. I mean, I feel in my heart that I don’t ever wanna do it again. I can’t say that I felt it in times before. There was always this aspect of me worrying about him, forgiving him, trying so very hard to approach a level of friendship that he’s plain incapable of reciprocating.

He’s an idiot. And the realisation that he’s always going to be this incorrigible douchebag is something I’m grappling to accept.

I think I’ve done that.

Well?? I’m safe, secure and the future is still so bright I may have to wear shades. Lots of good stuff on the horizon. I’m feeling positive, excited and sure that the future I'm planning for myself is one that’s not filled with random wildcards.

All good things.

A long time, indeed!

2011-06-07T17:47:00.001-04:00

Well?

I’m finally back here.

I suppose it’s been too long. Writing has, for a large part of my life, been both therapeutic and intellectually stimulating, whether I’m writing a diary, a work of fiction, or just a stream-of-consciousness rant that don’t make no sense lol.

But? I’m back here.

So, where the hell do you start when you’re mentally trying to bridge a gap of several months and a whole lot of lateral maneuvering? It kinda makes me feel self-conscious, for no matter what I write, it’s all “on the line”, as it were, and subject to at least some sort of criticism, personal or otherwise. :\ Iunno, I suppose I shall start at the very beginning, and see where I end up. It is, after all, a journal of sorts, and like a “first confession” of that proverbial Catholic convert or returnee, I’m trying to weigh my sins out in such a way as not to shock my dearest and only reader into a hasty retreat lol.

Oh, the sweet passage of time!

Well, first off, things have settled down into routine. THAT, without a doubt, is probably my crowning achievement. I’ve got Fatboy back here (been here for months), his girlfriend, and an extra roommate who’s taken the living room as her own. That’s four people, including me, in a home that’s at once cozy and chaotic. We’re working on the chaotic part, and trying to bring together a way of doing things that keeps the house on the right half of clean and organised. But most importantly, things have come together in the way I wanted most: Fatboy is now a “stakeholder” in our home, and I sense he feels as committed and a part of this reality as I do. We’ve finally reached a point in our friendship where we’re honest, concerned and careful of each other, and it’s really become a family here.

For MYSELF, my own little world, my own headspace? Jeez Louise, don’t press me right now. I’m taking one step forward, a step back, and resting between attempts, but I’m ever-so-slowly making progress and forging ahead. We’re not talking cerebral explorations of what might be, but small, concrete efforts to make lasting and positive changes. The hoarding issues are a bad, sad memory, I’m more active, I’m cleaning and tending house regularly, and I’m thinking of getting my social life in gear. I’m really feeling adventurous and excited about meeting new people and forging new, and I hope, lasting connections. But that won’t happen overnight. Money, and the attendant problems associated with not having any, still weighs far too heavy on the priority list. I simply need new clothes, I need some change in my pocket to finance going out, and I need a regular work routine. All this will come, no doubt, but it won’t happen tomorrow, or next week. The trick, for me, is to make the efforts when I have the chance and the opportunity must not be missed or “set aside” for another day. Just recently, I ended up at Value Village and bought an outfit. A funky outfit, suitable for a night out. Like I said, I took the opportunity and ran with it. I want to have many more opportunities to try and shift my focus to myself and what I need to start the ball rolling.

It’s a wee bit of a stretch ahead.

Other than that?

Keep thinking ahead.

All Good Things, dearest and only Reader

Oh… wait! That whole situation with the teenagers descending upon me and trying to drive me mad? Well, the protagonist (Mikey aka Pocketz) and I are fast friends, with a level of trust and security that really defies what we put each other through. Most others have faded into the recesses of memory, which is as it should be, but the experiences have a fond place in my travels. And Fatboy is, by comparison, normal, docile, domesticated and completely and utterly boring, which really won’t do at all.

….

2011-03-18T18:20:00.001-04:00

Well?

Things are good.

As much as I wanna keep a flame alive, nothing lasts forever. I’ve just got to pick my moment to cut the cord.

Other than that, just looking forward to a summer I’m gonna play an active role in. I’ve got TONS of time.

All Good Things

Hmmm… Dare I? :S

2011-02-22T20:37:00.001-05:00

It’s been a while since I wrote anything meaningful.

I’m changing. I’m getting better, by leaps and bounds in fact. I’m working at my part-time job and trying to eek out a little spare change. I’m cleaning EVERY FUCKING DAY, and in addition to keeping up on the kitchen, I’m trying to surmount the insurmountable (namely, the livingroom) and get a little more done each day. In every respect, I’m doing better shit for myself.

But?

I want to talk about my hopes, fears, what’s going on in my personal life, but? Well, but, and this is a HUGE but, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid.

Why do people wanna hurt me? Take what I say here, twist it around and throw it back at me? Lack of moral fibre? No standard of pride?

Whatever.

I’ll let myself go a little more each day, until I’m up to speed and gushing a veritable tidal wave of emotional psychobabble. In the meantime, just know that I’m doing better. And better. And better. :)

All Good Things.

Break up the….

2011-02-09T17:19:00.001-05:00

The strange logic in your clumsiest line
(It stayed, it stayed) it stayed emblazoned on my mind
You say, break up the family
And let's begin to live our lives
I want to see all my friends tonight

It wasn't Youth, it wasn't Life
Born Old, sadly wise
Resigned (well, we were)
To ending our lives

I'm so glad to grow older
To move away from those awful times
I want to see all my friends tonight

Yes, you found love, but you weren't
At peace with your life
Home late, full of hate
Despise the ties that bind
I'm so glad to grow older
To move away from those younger years
I'm in love for the first time
And I don't feel bad

Let me see all my old friends
Let me put my arms around them
Cause I really do love them
Now does that sound mad ?

Captain of games, solid framed
I stood on the touchline
Hailstones, driven home
In a car - no brakes ? I don't mind

I'm so glad to grow older
To move away from those darker years
Oh, I'm in love for the first time
And I don't feel bad

So wish me luck my friends
Goodbye
So wish me luck again
Goodbye
Wish me luck my friends
Goodbye
Wish me luck, my friends
Goodbye

- Morrissey

Back again….

2011-01-29T22:03:00.002-05:00

It’s been a while.

Iunno…. It’s hard to blog these days. I’ve got a fucking stalker following my ass, from everywhere like Facebook, to Formspring, and who knows where else. This stalker is one clever clever muthaphukka: he’s pieced together bits of blog, Facebook status updates, rumours, and, apparently, stuff I’ve even said aloud, which leads me to believe this hateful, hurtful sack of SHIT is quite possibly from my inner circle.

I mean, like, what the FUCK????

This person’s words have been dark, brutal and disturbing, and to be honest I’m completely taken aback by the level of cruelty thrown my way. I mean, I was on Formspring, and the hate questions started and just didn’t stop. I had to secure my account, but that’s NO FUN when people are supposed to be asking all manner of whacky, crazy fun questions. Whomever he or she was, the joy was taken out of it with about 4 or 5 venomous and totally hateful posts.

I suppose I’m in retreat.

I’m not going to let someone like that bother me, but in the final analysis I suppose I’m probably more worried about this person’s frame of mind than anything else. I mean, why the energy expended to spew hatred and hurtfulness in my direction? You don’t get to be an Internet “presence” or “persona” without attracting a few detractors to your point of view, but? To bring a dead person into play to score hate points?

I have my suspicions, but I’ll say no more on this. I hope it’s over. And if it isn’t? Well?

Creep away, you creepy piece of shit. I hope BOTH eyes are focused.

The problem with change is that, well? I don’t want it, I don’t like it, and when it catches me up, takes me by surprise and I’m forced to either adjust, adapt and cope or go tumbling over and crumbling into itty bitty bits, I get scared, anxious and nervous. It seems as though, whether I want it to or not, I’m somehow changing. My outlook is slowly coming back into focus, I feel more like my old self as the days stretch on into weeks, and I’m finding a rather long-awaited abatement of my grief and anguish over losing Simon and Gran. With each new realisation comes a hefty price-tag: every answer raises new and disturbing questions. For example, I realised the other day that Gran and Simon were constants, that I always had them in my corner, and that, wonder of wonders, they never failed to believe in me and encourage me, cushion my disappointments and rally to my successes. Who the fuck do I have in my life, right now, that even comes CLOSE to that level of support and steadfastness? Well, not many, and certainly not to that degree. So? I answered a question, and raised quite another: I’m totally devoid of a cheering squad, and why on earth don’t I believe in myself anymore? I really, really DON’T have the same faith, that same exuberance with which I rose to challenges and started new things happening in my distant past. Do I believe in myself? Do I have what it takes, alone, to make my life better by the leaps and bounds I’ve been famous for until now?

Yes, but I’ve got a lot of baby steps before I’m primed to jump mountains.

I suppose that with every shedding of illusions and self-deceptions, the price is that I finally face up to the realities of situations rather than what I’d just like to see. And in conversation with someone “in the know” (a Doctor, if you insist ;) I’ve been told that this “process” is a natural part of healing from loss and moving on. These aren't wonderful, earth-shattering Epiphanies and Revelations: they're quite simply eyes that see the world getting clearer as the fog of regret, hurt and loss receeds.In short, I’m finally doing what I need to do to get better as I go along, instead of stagnating in a static sort of “void” while I wait for the next big break to shoot out of that canon into a whole new direction.

That break? Ain’t never gonna come at age 39, and might as well get used to the fact I’m gonna hafta create my own luck, and write my own fate on the wall.

These realisations are really, really positive for me. And with so much good shit just around the corner (yes, yes, something randomly good has happened to me for a change, but I won’t write about it here until I’m fully underway lol stalker go fuck yourself you ain’t gettin’ a morsel until I’m golden ;) I’m starting to feel more and more confident I’ll succeed at whatever I’m supposed to be doing to get shit underway. I mean, look at facts: I was able to work at a manual job for a short spell, despite my fibromyalgia, I’m getting into routines that seem to clearly point to a more ordered, disciplined state of mind that’s only recently been reclaimed from the chaos and confusion of intense grief, and I’m pretty much primed to take more, albeit smaller, incremental steps in directions I think might be fun, or profitable, or necessary, to go in.

It’s a wonderful, wonderful starting point.

Anyways, dearest and only reader, say a prayer for the state of humanity, and see if you can squeeze one in for me and my stalker. Because hatred and animosity is an horrible, horrible burden to shoulder for anyone, whether they be good or bad, when it’s so much easier to just walk away and move on.

All Good Things!

For All The Saints

2011-01-21T21:53:00.001-05:00

(In memory of Saints gone before us, may they pray for us always.)

For all the saints, who from their labors rest,
who thee by faith before the world confessed,
thy name, O Jesus, be forever blest.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

Thou wast their rock, their fortress, and their might;
thou Lord, their captain in the well-fought fight;
thou in the darkness drear, their one true light.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

O may thy soldiers, faithful, true, and bold,
Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old,
and win with them the victor's crown of gold.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

O blest communion, fellowship divine!
We feebly struggle, they in glory shine;
yet all are one in thee, for all are thine.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,
steals on the ear the distant triumph song,
and hearts are brave again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

From earth's wide bounds, from ocean's farthest coast,
through gates of pearl streams in the countless host,
singing to Father, Son, and Holy Ghost:
Alleluia, Alleluia!

William W. How, 1823-1897

Just some random thoughts

2011-01-09T14:04:00.001-05:00

It’s 11:42pm, and I woke up at around 3pm-ish with a LOT of thoughts tumbling outta mah head. I mean, I’m really, really thinking about shit. Perhaps just a few random, meaningless lines?

I’m slowly, ever-so-slowly cleaning up the apartment and reclaiming it from chaos. The thought struck me dumbfounded: Simon really did do some wonderful things for me: he left me with everything, he taught me some life skills, and I really, really dooo believe in my secret heart that he wanted me to go on, enjoy life and be a safe and happy person. He left me with SO MANY wonderful “tools” to do that: his furniture, his dishwasher, clotheswasher and dryer, books…. I can’t feel this gratitude without getting all emotional.

I really, really miss him, and life will NEVER be the same again.

All Good Things.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.... :(

2011-01-08T18:16:00.000-05:00

Well?

It's January the 8th, 2011, and I've suffered some VERY early setbacks.

I lost my Clubland cleaner job January 1st, a few minutes into the New Year. Now, first off, I don't know how ANYONE could have the heartless notion that firing someone on New Years Day is cool, but the prick did it anyways, and I'm back to scrambling and figuring out my options. Do I care? Well, yes and no. I cared about the extra money I was getting, but I didn't care that much for being the cleaner: everyone seemed to look down on me, or treat me as the lowest on the totem pole. That, in itself, coupled with the fact that they fucked around with my money, made it just not worth it. I miss being a part of something big, throbbing and exciting, yes. I mean, I was with my roommate, and he seems to have a LOT of fun lol. But in the end? Constant exposure to drugs, alcohol and loose morals can really wear a person down, not to mention bring them down to the lowest possible level, and I don't like that shit.

Oh well.

I'm sitting here, contemplating the sheer horror of a mess that seems insurmountable by myself, and wondering WHY our house gets so messy, disorganised and dirty. Perhaps it's me, perhaps I just get flustered and terrified of the messes others make that pile upon my own. Whatever the reason, tonight I've got to clean up the apartment.

No more procrastinating.

I'll write a bit more when I'm feeling better. But dearest and only Reader? Think a kind thought and pray for me? I am WORRIED about what the future holds, because I don't wanna be stuck HERE anymore, in this headspace, this fucking miserable outlook, with NO self-esteem to give me the boost I need to try and get out of it. The self-esteem has to come from somewhere, but I don't know how to gain it back. It's gonna be a tough haul for me to pull it together, to limp and crawl and scrape this poor, old body along the ground in a desperate effort to somehow "right" myself on the right-half of happy, secure and content. But? I believe I can do it. I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to. I'm certainly not restricted by some fat Indian guy with self-esteem issues of his own, who was too power-hungry with his big "Manager" attitude, and I'm far, far bigger than that.

I'll get there.

In time.

:D

Too tired….

2010-12-18T20:28:00.001-05:00

Well?

Clubland is a fantastic place.

I’m tired, a little “off” my game, but I’m more or less happy.

All Good Things.

+ + +

On a promise...

2010-12-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

Well?

I put it on my word that things would get better, that I'd prevail, and gosh darn it, I have!

I've gotten a "situation" to finally fill the gaps and the shortfalls.

Since Mikey and Keely's departure? NO STRESS. And she put me through whatever it was she put me through, to bring this to an inevitable conclusion.

Custy kids and their fucking custy ways. NEVER AGAIN. And THAT'S a promise she can take to the bank. She's lost me permanently, and I won't be around EVER to try and fix what her fuckery made blow up in her face. Karma DOES exist, and that little "performance" is gonna cost her now and into way, way down the line.

I'm glad that's over.

Fuck, Iunno. My house is clean, my social life is slowly, ever so slowly starting to "tick" again, and my home life?

Fuck me.

It's NOT cut and dry.

Really? It's better to forgive. Yeah, he's a good guy and I want him around.

Iunno. I've basically had enough of everyone bombarding me with complications, like I'm somehow "developed" for processing massive amounts of fuckery and bullshit. Sometimes? It's better to just go with the flow.

Clubland can do that to you. Fresh eyes. Fresh eyes.

All Good Things, my dearest and only reader. Just a stream-of-consciousness rant, and nothing more.

(Long way down.) (It's better in colour.)

Fortune?

2010-12-12T12:33:00.001-05:00

They say fortune favours the bold. Well? One must first be, well, bold, and quite frankly I'm doing that in spades.

My situation? Improving by leaps and bounds. Clubland is a wonderful place to be, especially when you get your party groove on as part of the house: the perks are endless. *evil grin*

Life is getting better, I'M getting better, and I can't ask for more than a 180 where I shoot off in a next direction. I'm liking this direction A LOT. :)

All Good Things.

The eve of changing shit up

2010-12-04T19:30:00.001-05:00

I can’t write too, too much.

I’ve got so much I wanna share, but I’m afraid.

Let’s just say I feel remarkably blessed and fortunate.

I’m fortunate in my old friends, for sticking by me thru thick and thin.

I’m fortunate, for a pack of ravenous, incredibly brilliant kids, who annoyed me out of grief and helped me to learn that every day is about change. I’m just so afraid of losing that love, that random friendship. And as much as they hindered me… Wow… I just thought of something. Meeting them at that point in my life…. Did they hold me back? Yeah, they probably made the grief process longer, and put me thru periods of hell I didn’t deserve. But I have God to thank in His wisdom, because no matter how badly they ended up treating me (and I know now they didn’t mean to) and how THEIR issues diverted me from my own, they gave me one thing: time. It was THEIR distractions, their constant “neediness” and the fact they just chose to care, that probably helped me along the most, for in them I found what I needed, which was love, unconditional friendship and the strange obsessive desire they had to make me forget my problems and re-learn the value of friendship, unconditional love and the excitement and promise tomorrow holds out for all of us.

Like I said, I can’t write, but this much will do.

I love you all.

Don’t ever change, and if you must? Do it at your own pace.

I know now that the past few months were sabotaged from the get-go, and one of us really IS so selfish she’d put her own happiness ahead of ours. That’s probably as it should be, for in the long run things MUST NEEDS BE deconstructed, and gradually whittled away until the inevitable choice is made to call it a day. I just wanted him to know how amazing it was to make up for all the things I couldn’t do, or be, while I was at my worst.

All Good Things.

(Subtext is a wonderful thing! :)

Everything old is new again….

2010-12-03T11:10:00.001-05:00

Wow.

I finally feel I might be able to write some of this stuff out.

The past few weeks? Well, to be honest, I haven’t been blogging for fear I might be causing…. trouble? Yes, trouble. I don’t feel I have ANY safe options when it comes to expressing myself. I suppose there’s the fear of censure, of offending, and OF COURSE being misunderstood lol! But?

I can write now.

I feel it.

Since my last entry, I’ve been mentally “processing” the past few weeks, and tryna understand what it all means tooo meee and trying to put into some kind of context the reason I feel like I dooo. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Stay tuned.

Welcome back!

2010-11-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.

Short version?

Yes, that'll dooo.

Beautiful strangers can be, well? Strange....

I'm too old for this. Small doses, please. And certainly not as roommates.

(Too much stress.)(Will love them no matter what.)

The house is 90% done, with just around 5 or so bags of cords and shit to sort, tie up neatly and repack. I need some power cord adapter thingies and a few odds and ends, the rest OUTTA HERE without delay.

My house is finally on the right half of clean. And this has been ALL MY DOING as the last couple of weeks haven't seen them help out of their depth. Barely.

It's all good.

I'll write more as it unfolds. For now? I'm happy, content and although I'm facing a difficult challenge, I know I'll prevail. I refuse to fail. And my word goes on that promise.

All Good Things.

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Been round this way afore…

2010-11-02T01:58:00.001-04:00

It’s good to be here tonight.

I’m slowly figuring all this out. I’m in a place I’d rather NOT be, and I’m struggling to try and find a way out. It’s been hard for me, because I feel helpless, paralysed by my fears about how things are gonna be… But things just already are. Life continues to happen, the sky hasn’t fallen and I’m still in one piece. I’m just bloody well lonely, worried and scared.

I’m coming around.

Today I’m working on my room, then I’m working through the rest of the house. I want shit proppper by Wednesday, so I can start work on my resume and have a ton of them sent out by Sunday. THAT’S how I’m working this.

I’m cleaning and organising until I’m happy and content I’m organised.

I’m getting a job. I need to work part-time, and reconnect with humanity, not to mention MY self esteem.

I’m looking ahead, but I’m conscious that the road is most relevant when I’m looking down at my feet, and where the next step is landing, and leaving the horizon to reveal itself as it comes up. No serious need to look far, far ahead.

Not now.

I’m gonna dooo this, and see how I feel when my room is done.

All good things.

In transit….

2010-10-17T18:13:00.001-04:00

Iunno why I’m here. Perhaps it’s to write, perhaps to vent, perhaps I don’t even know what moves me. Whatever the reason, I just wanna write for a bit and see if “Publish” is a clever icon to click on….

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I think my anxiety issues are far, far greater than simple stress. I suppose that, given time, illusions break down, and what we most fear about how and, more importantly, why one should think and feel a certain way, becomes more and more apparent. I’ve lived so long sheltered by comfy illusions about my life and where shit’s been going since Simon died that I don’t think I can even differentiate a lot of the how’s and why’s of what goes on in my head. But so much has become clear: once you get over the initial shock of a realisation, you’re left timidly approaching a personal truth and breaking it down so you can… Iunno, I guess I’m slowly processing and handling shit.

I’m just plain afraid that I’m alone, and every crisis, every acknowledgement, every single “issue” that forces me to recognise that fact, sends me into a tailspin.

Darkness creeps into my mind. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out sometimes. Believe me, I have my moments, when there’s no where to run and hide from this. To be honest, I think I’ve totally lost my understanding of just why I’m so unhappy to begin with. Loneliness? Fear? And dare I write the word?

Hopelessness?

Dear God, anything but despair.

I’m just so, so fucking sick of feeling lonely and being paralysed by this. It’s gone on for so long I don’t think I can comprehend anything else but unhappiness and this random fear. The only thing that seems to be ANYTHING good coming out of this is… Well? As bad as the past few days have been, at least I’m feeling things that make sense. I felt that I had to fill voids, and what I’ve filled them with just doesn’t make sense.

I hafta get out of this. I simply don’t think I’m capable of going on like this, and I don’t even wanna. I just gotta get started and not stop until I’ve done what I feel I need to do to fix shit up to a point where I actually feel I’m able to cope.

Get rid of the major issues, and deal with what’s left.

Cut things down to size, dammit.

I’m just so confused. And no friend in sight.

Loneliness. I never wanted this.

All Good Things.

+ +

Retro….

2010-10-09T19:27:00.001-04:00

I stumbled on a song… Salvator Mundi (Tallis), and strangely, my mind was thrown back to earlier this year…. The images are disjointed, and hardly make sense, but I *remember* how I felt.

God, I don’t ever wanna go back there.

Linkin Park.. “In the End”…. More strange memories… Songs can do that.

I don’t wanna write today.

All Good Things.

Oh, I didn’t see you there…

2010-10-08T21:02:00.001-04:00

It’s Friday night, I’m incredibly lost, bored, a little confused and just so tired…. I suppose I should write for a while, but I have to admit, I’m a little reluctant to put myself in touch with my emotions. I’m afraid that, after ever-so-carefully building a dam around the worst of the way I feel, if I should trifle that stability…. if I should press, so much might just come tumbling out.

But? I need this time.

First off, things are just fine and dandy, thank-you-very-much, and although I’ve had some bumpy spots, things simply feel copacetic right now, and my life is merrily wending its way forward into the unknown. I suppose that’s the big problem with me right now: I’m simply terrified of what comes next. Life, far from being boundless, exciting and full of promise, seems bleak, uncertain and full of confusion. Now, my fucking problem is how to dispel that. I mean, I’ve got everything I need to make a break for something BETTER in my life, and only myself and my fear and worry holding me back. But I don’t anticipate this to last much longer: I’m sick to fucking death of being broke, worried about bills, alone at home, sick of staying in, sick of looking at the ‘net, T.V., I’m just sick of shit the way it is. I want to change… but I can’t seem to break fucking FREE and get this rut over and done with.

I’ve identified the sticking points. I’m dealing with them.

First off is getting rid of the rest of Simon’s things. Unfortunately, I’m at an impasse in terms of what I feel I can accomplish without stressing and upsetting myself out of it lol. No, I mean that, I’m worried if I push myself into sorting his things I might snap. It actually scares me, because things have been so stable, I’ve gotten rid of so much… I just feel terribly phobic about the last of it. Do I need some time to process? Am I just procrastinating? I feel I’m probably procrastinating, but all I need is an exacerbation of my bi-polar (which I’m keeping under wraps in a pressure-cooker of panic, worry and fear over the next manic outburst) to send me into another tailspin. I haven’t had an episode of full-blown mania since Kyle’s departure. Now, I’m managing on VERY little in the way of meds, but I don’t need a re-play of what happened before. I don’t even wanna contemplate getting THAT sick again.

I’m not sure what I’m doing in other respects. My deepest fear? I’ve made mistakes. I don’t think I have any true friends anymore, but surprisingly I think I’ve finally managed to accept the fact that people don’t think as I do. I can do a billion good things for people, but the one instance where I can’t, or I fail? I’m only considered “worthy”, insofar as I am useful. I don’t have anyone in my life who loves or cares for me (really), I’m alone, I’ve alienated far, far too many people and I suppose that the lack of forgiveness is considered a “punishment” for whatever others think I did to deserve this. That’s one, hard fucking pill to swallow, but hey, it’s like the Aboriginals in Australia, who from time immemorial have set brush fires to burn down the old and make way for new life. I think that I’ve discovered who I am again, and who I am surprises me, for I never thought I’d end up alone, I never thought I’d end up emotionally “damaged” and I certainly never felt that people would…. target me. I really don’t think I was put on this earth for such unhappiness. But this realisation hasn’t happened overnight. It started a few months ago, in a darkened park at an ungodly hour. I suppose I attained a sense of crazy enlightenment, because what I experienced for the first time since Simon died was a sense of reality. All my illusions came crashing down, and by running back to them I only prolong what I’ve known since Simon left me: I’m completely and utterly lost without him. There’s no more Simon to tell me what’s good, and ever since I fell in love with him, I’ve let him take the reigns and lead. I suppose I shall have to start thinking more, trusting less, and move myself along now. No more diddle-daddling lol.

I just feel awful and worried how shit is going to pan out. But? I’m really feeling that looking out for my own happiness now is all that matters. Especially when I don’t seem to matter back.

A year from now? I want all my embarrasing mistakes, the fucked up shit I done, my unhappiness… I just want it all to be an awful memory of a time when I temporarily lost myself. The kicker? I’m really fucking proud of who I am. I’m fucking well proud of my achievements. And I’ve spent far, far too long being meek and feeling unworthy, and not understanding WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

All Good Things, dearest and only reader. I’m not going to despair about what worries me, simply because the cold hard facts stare me down and fucking well dare me to try and twist it. I’m basically alone, and I know I need to repair what I can of my old friendships, and forge some new ones and a new social life… I’ve been punished far, far too long for my mistakes, to the point where I just don’t feel I care anymore. I tried, and failed.

Next.

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Ahhh!

2010-10-06T10:48:00.001-04:00

So?

I get to write.

Don’t read too, too much into my blogs going forward.

Abstract is always best.

So? Without further ado let’s get into it…

______________________

I’m on the right side of happy.

I don’t fucking know anymore… So much of my unhappiness comes from within meee, from places I don’t want to be. I’m broke, struggling to focus on a routine (getting back to work, keeping the house on the right side of clean, micro-managing lol), trying to “improve” my life…. Funny, but I can’t seem to do a fucking thing right.

No! I don’t let my friends down. Never have, never will. Fuck you.

It’s Wednesday. I’ve got to get ready and work a few hours today. See what happens?

Grrr.

All Good Things.

Writing? Well, I suppose….

2010-10-04T21:35:00.001-04:00

It’s been a few weird days.

I’m finding myself tired a lot. Things tend to "stick”, then they wear me down. I’m feeling incredibly worn-down… almost a bit… defeated? Yes, defeated. Everything I touch blows up in my face. But not for much longer.

Just a hump, and a situation. But humps are meant to be surmounted, and situations change. I’m changing mine.

All Good Things.

Hmmmmm,,,,,

2010-10-01T06:33:00.003-04:00

Feeling a little down, and confused.

I don't know. The starting line ain't all it's cracked up to be lol. I wonder if I have the strength to bolt.

All Good Things.

Coming along

2010-09-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

Wow.

We rearranged the dining room yesterday. We placed the table in such a way that a whole maddd bunch of new space opened up. There's finally room to move.

I had way too much fun on Sunday to contemplate cleaning, but after getting the living room organised so brilliantly I figure we probably earned the lounge time. I did, however, set the dishwasher up (lol) and all things considered the house is probably 95% done. Just some work on the kitchen, organising the bookshelves and my "knick knacks" on the window ledges, and then cleaning up my room and sorting it all out. It's a great start to a great week, let's hope. :)

I'm worried about other things, but NOTHING good in my life came out of worry, inaction and apathy.

Time to start shit happening.

:)

Hard, but not impossible

2010-09-26T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start blogging again.

Really? I am exactly where I need to be.

I'm walking 1-2 hours a day. Work is coming back up to full speed, and once I get my laptop up and running they'll be no stopping me from getting organised with work. My home? 90% done. The "hoarding" is confined to my bedroom (which is a horrific mess lol) and the apartment is almost sorted out. A few things to rearrange today, and a bit more stuff to throw out. But? It's all good. It'll be done very shortly. And it was a fucking ROUGH month for our household, as money and necessities were fucking tight yo. We survived.

I'm still incredibly anxious at times. Anxiety brought on by stress, and compounded by phobia. I'm not paranoid, but it's close: it's hard to conceal fears and suffer through uncertainty with no help to clear my head. Everyone has a fucking agenda.

I'm coping with that.

All I can do, all that matters, is looking ahead. Getting LIFE perfectly on track. I'm almost there.

The starting line!

Today is the final day to get sorted. PERMANENTLY get the organising and the last of the "hoarding" stuff done. I need to do this today. I want it all to be over.

Wish me luck, and all good things.

Ummmkay

2010-09-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

Trust?

I'm happy. I spose I've managed to "offload" so much. Let go of a lot of burden. It's all gud.

So?

All gud things.

(The past might be through with us) (but it's hard to be through with the past.)

(It's better to forgive and keep life marvelous and blessed, cuz you don't know what you got til it's gone.)

(Long way down. One last thing. l)