This is going to be the first blog entry I've done in a long while. Certainly life has been moving apace since then, but a big part of me has been really hesitant to commit anything to writing. It always seems there's a lurker or two on here, even with the inactivity, who has less-than good intentions for me. And human nature, being what it is, people enjoy reading about your failures far, far more than your successes, because that's just the way people are. It's how they can be. Shun any good news and rejoice in other people's follies. Well, fuck people in general. This is my blog space. I don't write for anyone but myself and those I know pop in to see how I'm doing out of feelings of friendship. So? I write for myself. And them.
The summer has, on the whole, been a good one, although I've experienced more than my fair share of problems and headaches. I finally got my own apartment. It's a one bedroom, has a wonderfully large kitchen and bedroom, plus a cool balcony with a view. It's bright and the feeling of spaciousness is appreciated. It wasn't the best time for me financially to do this, but really, when one thinks it over, is there EVER a best time for a thing like a move? Probably not. If I felt that I had to be fully secure and prepared, I would probably STILL be living at home with my mother lol. Not to say that living at home didn't have its good points and fun; it did. But really, I want to be independent, I need peace and quiet (my nerves are shitty and the dogs and all the commotion in a 5 person household plus me really grates on them lol) and I need to forge my own direction in life. That's hard to do with a mother and two siblings always up in your bidness. At any rate, for better or worse I made the leap out of the goldfish bowl and into the pond and when I add it up I'm really not sorry I did it. I'm glad, despite the hardships.
Speaking of hardships, finances are, and will continue to be, an issue until I've brought myself up to speed. It's just so damned hard to get going. I drag my heels so much and I'm really, really hurting myself by not doing what needs to be done. But I'm changing. I'm getting better. And finally, instead of putting my head in the sand I'm actually facing up to what needs to be done. I've got to do better, every day, until I've reached that level where I'm accomplishing what I want, nay, NEED to accomplish on a daily, weekly and monthly basis, and I'm living the way I know I can.
These things just take time. But not too much time. That's entirely up to me.
I've lost around 35 pounds since I started my exercise routine and I'm very excited about that. I walk from my own place to my Mum's, and back, at least 5 times a week. That's 10 trips. Plus I walked to Eglinton Square PLUS I do walking for things like the Danforth to pick up dollar store items and stuff. I've been walking enough that my fitness level seems to have really, really improved. Hills that used to leave me breathless I now conquer with ease, and I find my endurance has gotten much better.
My health issues continue to affect me, not to mention worry me! But I'm taking steps to improve. Exercise is probably the biggest, followed by the amount of medication I take. I'm convinced, what with the cholesterol medication, the stuff I take for my blood pressure (related to my weight, which is related to exercise and fitness), the antidepressant stuff... I'm on way, way too much medication. So? I'm finally doing some things to address it. The first thing on the list was the sleep study. I had to go to a clinic and spend the night (4 hours roughly) sleeping with electrodes and monitoring wires all over me, so they could determine the extent of my sleep apnea. I will have to wear a positive air-pressure mask to keep my airways open, but I don't mind this. Anything to allow me to sleep deeper and more restfully. I mean, I'm constantly tired and fatigued, and if this helps it would be amazing. My Doctor also thinks that the exercise coupled with the mask will lower my blood pressure to the point where I won't need pills anymore.
I still have to wait to get my test results, and then we're going to take it from there. Whatever the next step is, I'm going to be sure to follow through. That's my new resolution for my life, to take charge of an issue, deal with it so it's either done and over or the necessary regular change has been made, and keep moving forward.
Of course, there's been a couple of hiccups.
I can't dwell on my mistakes, and I can't afford negativity in my life. I have gone to great pains to eliminate toxic people, and negative people are completely and unforgivingly not tolerated. They say that if you repeat something long enough and often enough, you will believe it, either consciously or subconsciously. There are some people who, whether they recognise it or not, inflict negative damage on others by consistently bringing up negative aspects of the person's life or by negative affirmation i.e. "You can't do it" and since my life has become so much more positive I'm really, really beginning to notice people who aren't supportive. And then you've got the people who can't resist sowing seeds of doubt at every positive endeavour going on in your life. They are the sneaky ones, and the ones you've really gotta watch out for. They will do their damndest to sneak in negatives in a sly, roundabout way, with the hopes that subconsciously they have put doubts in your mind about your ability to achieve your goals. I am just so fucking sick and tired of these negative people in my life. So? I've decided to cut them out like cancers. And the people I can't cut out, I'm limiting my exposure to them and challenging their negative remarks. If they're going to put the negativity out there, I'm going to turn it around and focus it back. I won't accept it.
I know someone who is a fountain of negative emotions and negative ideation. I cut this person out of my life a long time ago, but I still miss him. He had a lot of amazingly good qualities, but the constant barrage of negativity precluded him from being a part of my life. To this day, he still sits on the phone, bringing up everything negative about everything humanly possible to be negative about. I pity him for this, because his negativity holds him back.
So, I was writing about my goals. My first goal is to start a better exercise routine, in addition to the constant walking I do from here to my Mum's. As of Sunday, I'm going to start doing a stretch of exercise that's going to combine walking, jogging, running and most likely crawling (lol) along with pull-ups and chin-ups. I'm going to start at Dawes Rd, down the hill to Taylor Park, then through the ravine until I reach the Woodbine and O'Connor bridge and back.
That's it for now. All Good Things, and I'll update this blog as regularly as I can.
:)
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