Well, the countdown is on. I wake up tomorrow and then I decide I no longer want to smoke. Although living alone has seen its fair share (some might say too much) of hardships and tough choices, I have been learning valuable skills. I've been learning to abstain, to go without, and to make a decision and stick to it. Not to mention pulling a rabbit out of the hat and making do with less. My brain isn't quite re-wired the way I want it to be, but the learning experience is gonna come whether I want it to or not. I am simply gonna hafta say lookit, smoking is not healthy, promotes high blood pressure and heart attack/stroke, not to mention decreased lung function as one ages and an increased risk of terminal cancers.
Fuck, I amaze myself. I'm grossly fat, but even so, I still have the lion's share of my health. Jeez, I'm on TWO blood pressure meds, a pre-diabetes med (Metformin), an anti-cholesterol med (Atorvastatin) and then add the psyche drugs and I'm really, really on a lot of pills. I often wonder if my guests who've gone into the cupboard to grab a glass ever thought I was HIV positive and on a "drug cocktail" lol. But what I'm saying here is that, at 41, I am still fully in control of my health. Quitting smoking might even mean I can come off the blood pressure meds. I want to PRESERVE this level of health, even if I don't get healthier I'd rather be stuck in this rut than desperately treading water after a major health-related event, like a stroke or heart attack.
I really, really want this. The cravings are ferocious. I would say I even feel ill and bedridden from them at times. It's not going to be easy. But the possibility is definitely there that something bad's gonna happen to me one day because I smoke.
Signed, feeling hopeless.
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