A wonderful day!

Today was really fantastic.

I started off with a visit to St. Bartholomew’s Anglican Church, for a Marian service sponsored by the Marian Society in our Anglican diocese. In the Marian month of May (which also sees the feast day of the Myrrh Bearers in the Orthodox Calendar today, a “women’s” day!) the Marian society hosts one Saturday sung Mass in a different parish, and with St. “Bart’s” strong Anglo-Catholic tradition of course we’re included in the roster lol. The Gospel reading was devoted to Mary, and as usual at the end of the service we conclude our Mass with a Marian devotion. Personally, I show up an hour early to make my prayers and supplications to Mother Mary, and I’m thinking of also offering prayers at the St. Bartholomew niche as well. It can’t hurt, right? 

My situation at my new home is less than ideal. Financial woes continually haunt me, and when you’re stressed out about money it becomes harder to focus on the things that really matter, like making money. Today was the first day since I moved that I was back on the job at my home-based business, and all things considered it wasn’t a total write-off: I did have a few things to do today, but I felt it was important to ease in at least a couple of hours. Funny, but working from here, in total peace and quiet… There’s really no stopping me here. I don’t have to put up with anyone’s bad behaviour and inconsideration: it’s just me, focused, attentive and doing what needs doing. This is the way work was meant to be, and having my own space and complete control over my own environment has been uplifting and liberating. I’m so glad to be here.

Like I was saying, finances are a constant worry, and today was also another first: a visit to a community dinner. Now, community dinner is an euphemism. What it really means is “Soup Kitchen” lol. But soup kitchen is harsh, and demeaning. That phrase tends to marginalise people even more, and paint this horrible picture of deprivation and hopelessness. I thought it would be depressing and deflating, but I was pleasantly surprised. This community dinner was exactly that: people from the community (the poorest community in Canada) coming together for a communal meal and gratefully accepting the hospitality and Christian charity of a wonderful organisation. I saw so many diverse people there: all nationalities, religious convictions and sexes were represented, even transgendered. What made me feel a pang of sadness was the high proportion of Native Canadian (Aboriginal) people in attendance. It must be a hard pill to swallow to be so marginalised and left out in the cold in your own, native homeland, and I couldn’t help but think these were men and women who’d really been excluded by mainstream Canadian society. We have an awful lot we can learn from Native people’s, they’ve saved European settler’s very lives on countless occasions with traditional sources of vitamin nutrition and survival methods, and very sadly, it had come full circle and they were seeking out that same survival assistance. Having said that, it was far from hopelessness and doom and gloom. One fellow played the guitar, and an Irishman with the most lovely singing voice belted out traditional Irish tunes to a very grateful audience. There must have been about 80 – 150 people in attendance, like I said, from every walk of life and culture, and in those faces I saw that financial hardship, like mine, and perhaps even loneliness and the hope of a friendly face, like my hope for one, had brought us all together for a hot meal and a chance to relax in the comfort of community.

It was a very moving experience for me, and a revelation. I had no idea, really.

I snagged a bottle of dollar store hot sauce for like $1.13 and made rice tonight as a snack. Rice, just soaked in hot sauce. It was really, really yummy.

And so my night ends. I’ve got church (oh brother not again lol) tomorrow, my first trip to the gym since the move, and then hopefully either a computer job Sunday afternoon or back home for work. I’m running out of cigarettes (I made sure I could smoke without even a thought for the fridge, I know, a hopeless, hopeless addict lol) and I feel the stress like a knife at my throat yet again. But I know that yes, this too shall pass, and I just need to keep the positive vibes flowing through me.

I must make a conscious effort to reject that which is negative, which also means rejecting negative thoughts, and to create positivity and joy no matter what I’m doing. I am striving, every day, to bring joy in and keep negativity at bay. Since moving out on my own, I’m free of the bullshit certain people tried to tie around my neck like a lead fucking weight before tossing me into a sea of unresolvable conflict and strife, and I’m free to experience joy whenever and however I can find it. Getting rid of these sources of negativity has been my salvation. Some people feel that they are out of control. No matter how hard they try, they are not able to gain control of their lives and destinies, and that sense of being unable to break free, of being trapped… Well, that shit can drive you fucking crazy. And so they try and control everything around them, present a level of futile, unresolvable conflict and strife, to feed their own need to feel they can control and manipulate at least something around  them. That is, quite frankly, hopeless mental illness, the idea being that insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting the results to be different. The results are never different. Just more anger, hatred and frustration. The product of a very, very unhappy and diseased soul. Well, cancer needs to be cut out the second it’s detected. And I think I’ve done that.

All Good Things.